Rejoice! Rejoice!

So today was Christmas. My last Christmas day post didn't have much to do with Christmas. This time around I'll stick to the subject. And so I rhetorically ask... "What's up with Christmas?"

There seems to be two schools of thought when answering this question. The first would not admit it in words, but in action, the answer would revolve around the commercialism of the holiday. Get together with family and give and receive stuff. The Grinch put it well…

That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts. You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice... The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue." Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is stupid, stupid, stupid!

We’ve heard the argument against commercialism often enough that we’ve developed a callous towards the excessive nature of our culture. So no need to keep going with that.

The other school of thought is that there is something more meaningful about this holiday. And so I’d like to place myself amongst this school of thinking, and not only that, to clarify what it is about Christmas that I find meaningful.

“O Come, O Come, Emmanuel”

For the entire course of history, before that first Christmas, the One, True God was all powerful, the perfect picture of love and peace, active among His creation… there was nothing missing. And on Christmas, He became GOD WITH US. And for me, especially this year, I’m seeing a huge difference between God and GOD WITH US.

(Temporary) Crisis of Direction

The "temporary" might be temporary, or the "temporary" might be permanent. I'd like to think the "temporary" will turn out to be a permanent, in which case this will all turn out to be temporary. So time will tell whether or not the "temporary" is necessary.
But all day today, I'm feeling like the plans I've put together for my future are under attack. I'm doubting much, sure of little... and wondering if I should understand this feeling as "temporary."

The best communion/relationship/connection is not found in the glamor, but in the normal.

I'm all over the place tonight...

Today... actually yesterday now... was "national cake day," and I'm sad that I didn't involve myself in any festivities involving cake. I had some apple pie, which is always a treat for those days following Thanksgiving, but not cake. Had I been aware that this was a day for cake, I would've chosen between red velvet and chocolate with vanilla frosting, but I missed my chance. There will be others, I'm sure...

One thing I'm pleased to have taken part in over the last few days was that always-present Thanksgiving reminder... to be thankful for something. Every year of accumulated life experience creates a greater appreciation for blessings. Blessings of community, family, health, met needs, and potential. I’m learning so much right now, but more than a gaining of more facts, I’m learning about the reality of a God who pursues. This is what has been on my mind more than anything else over this season of thankfulness.

Having had the chance to look at Luke 15 quite a bit this past month, I’ll admit, it can be very easy for me to question the “fairness” of grace. It certainly seems like some people get it all, and maybe I’ve missed my chance to rebel. Isn’t that the story of the older brother? I am learning about my own brokenness, my own need, and the unique way in which I run from my Creator, and yet He continues to pursue. I wish I would grow up already. I wish I didn’t mess up all the time. I wish I could get to the point where I would stay in the right frame of mind, but from time to time, I’m out of my mind. And yet He continues to pursue. I’m so very consistent in so many ways, but in my own pursuit of God, I am so inconsistent. I am either hot, cold, or lukewarm, but constantly fickle. And yet He continues to pursue.

What do you say about that kind of love? What should I say? I’m a little bit limited in my own knowledge of love, and I think I’ve seen enough to know what love isn’t. I know that feelings change. I know that my lack of consistency can be blamed on an emotion-motivated existence. While I don’t want to speak for all of humanity, I think it’s safe to say that, for most people, emotions are not limited to mere highs and lows, but can venture as far as present and not present. Some more than others are said to be "emotional people," but we can all relate to such extremes, despite how readily we express those extremes. Most people claim love – in their families, friends, romances – but life happens and that “love” becomes something else or it becomes nothing – or maybe it was something else or nothing all along. Are we not all a little bit broken, a little off?

So what do I have to say about the kind of love that maintains, the kind of love that surpasses whatever emotions are current, the kind of love that overlooks brokenness and flaw, the kind of love that does not expect anything returned? I’m wondering if there has ever been a love that was anything else.

Why is it that when you've been so blessed, you still find ways to create chaos in your life? Things seem to want to fall into place, but there's still a part of you that seems to sabotage the rest. Some people, given the opportunities I've been given, would have done a lot more with themselves. I do hope that a late start will not mean I've handicapped my potential. Time will tell, and I'm excited to break through each barrier that my lack of direction and focus and passion has built up.

I feel like I'm cleaning up the broken rubble from one of those barriers right now. I'm through, and now it's time to use my progress, the lessons learned, to re-calibrate myself.

There are points in my life that I am not proud of. There are thoughts that have gone through my head and actions that I've taken that I'd like to leave unclaimed. There are aspects of my personality that I keep trying to diminish while other characteristics I'd like to strengthen.

At one point, not long ago enough, I wouldn't have said it, but the pervasive idea marinating in my mind was that I didn't really know what I believed. The person I claimed to be and the person that I actually was were two very different people. I was living up to some people's standards but not the standards I was claiming.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you...

I don't know what I believe right now. It scares me to think about that, to make it a reality by putting it in writing. It should scare me more, but I keep holding on to a single strand of faith, hoping that what seemed so real in the past will seem real again someday... For so long I've felt disconnected from the life I'm living. That life would be the one where I show up to church services and sing songs and lead Bible studies and so on. The life most people would label as "good Christian." And yes, maybe I'm experiencing a very normal quarter-life-crisis... Lots of people in their twenties are trying to figure out what they believe. Perhaps I'm just experiencing what is a very normal phase of spirituality. It could be that simple... My hope is that I'll change -- I'd like to stop moving right now so that I can figure out where I'm at and what direction I should be facing -- and get going again.

Like my inclination to hold on to my thoughts, I hold on to my heart. I don't give out love easily. I have a great capacity for love. I'm not special in this, perhaps a little emotional, but just human. The idea of love is so rich in my mind that it scares me. Using the word scares me. Even family and close friends I've had for my whole life don't hear me use the word. They'll say "I love you," and I'll reply, "You too." My pride is too fragile for such vulnerability.

I'm very conscious of treating people as I would like to be treated, but I am still selfish. My default motivation is not to create happiness in those around me. What I really want is to be accepted, to be loved, to feel good about myself. I want to recieve, and the act of giving is just access to the receiving. And now I'm thinking about how horrible all this sounds, but for the most part, I usually don't feel bad about it because I don't think about it... but from time to time there is something in me that approaches unselfishness. Love that does not act out of a desire to be reimbursed, but gives freely. It is so fragile that you hold back words, but somehow, you find yourself motivated by something greater than yourself. Capable of being unselfish, you find yourself putting others first. It may be just a glimpse of what love could be, but this strange kind of interaction feels so right.

I'm not sure what I know of love. I find myself in disbelief sometimes, but that is diminishing as of late. Despite my admission that my beliefs are very fluid, I've been told my whole life that there is a God who loves me completely. I'm struggling with that concept right now, but I am starting to understand the part about complete love... just a little bit. Selfless, constant, never-ending, no need of anything returned, just loving because the object is there to be loved... And so I'm talking into thin air to a God I'm trying my best to believe in, knowing very little, but being told that he loves me completely and has put His all into restoring me, and I'm not doing the same. I'm not doing my part, so how can the relationship thrive?

I hope I can find the answers. I hope I can find more faith. I hope I can find whatever is missing. And when that happens, I hope I can find myself back at the point where I'm giving my all.

It's very sobering to remember where I've been in relation to where I am now. It's nothing that I have done. It's the persistance of a loving God that takes us from the valley to the mountain top, and it's the persistance of a loving God that walks with us as we go back into the darkness of trial.

As I posted about a year and a half ago... "There are times in life when I can't find purpose or a foothold or a break... and there are times when I'm constantly aware of the warmth of God's presence... and that in both I am secure in His hands."

the Weight of Glory

Trying to write tonight is not finding success due to sleepiness. So I will save what is there and, instead, leave a great quote from Lewis. Maybe I'll write while I'm awake tomorrow.

"The infinite value of each human soul is not a Christian doctrine. God did not die for man because of some value He perceived in him. The value of each human soul considered simply in itself, out of relation to God, is zero. As St. Paul writes, to have died for valuable men would have been not divine but merely heroic; but God died for sinners. He loved us not because we were lovable, but because He is Love. It may be that He loves all equally--He certainly loved all to the death--and I am not certain what the expressions means. If there is equality, it is in His love, not in us."

Intro to Kierkegaard

My exposure to Soren Kierkegaard is very limited. I've heard some quotes over the years and I've heard his name tossed around followed by positive comments, so I decided to pick up one of his most famous books, Works of Love. He is quickly rising up the favorites list. I'm only through the second chapter and I'm already hooked on his thought processes.

Starting with the command to "love your neighbour as yourself," he breaks down every angle of the command and the picture of love that comes from his argument is life changing. Not the kind of thing you say is "life changing" but is really not... with his understanding of love, given that it is actually applied to real life, we're talking about a completely different life.

To understand that love is a command, not a consideration, is the most freeing idea. Every angle of this new idea of life was falling into place, except one. So at each pause in reading I was struggling to understand how one should deal with losing the object of love, and then I worked my way to the last paragraph in chapter two. Time for an excerpt...

"But this "You shall sorrow" is both true and beautiful. I do not have the right to harden myself against the pains of life, for I ought to sorrow; but neither have I the right to despair, for I ought to sorrow; furthermore, neither do I have the right to stop sorrowing, for I ought to sorrow. So it is also with love. You have no right to harden yourself against this emotion, for you ought to love; but neither do you have the right to love despairingly, for you ought to love; just as little do you have the right to misuse this emotion in you, for you ought to love. You ought to preserve the love and you ought to preserve yourself and in and by preserving yourself to preserve the love. There where the merely human wants to storm forth, the command still holds; there where the merely human would lose courage, the command strengthens; there where the merely human would become tired and clever, the command flames up and gives wisdom. The command consumes and burns out what is unsound in your love, but through the command you shall be able to kindle it again when humanly considered it would cease. When you think you can easily give counsel, take the command as your counsel; but when you do not know how to counsel, the command shall prevail so that everything nevertheless comes out well."

Kierkegaard was a smart man.

who are you?

Born in Topeka, 1982 – brother – son – laughing – preacher’s kid – default Christian – sports – moved to Oklahoma – moved to Indiana – good student – basketball all the time – soccer all the time – same group of friends – summer camps – Christian – quiet – Jamaica – ministry? – graduate – college student – roommate – never enough sleep – broke out of shell – temporarily outgoing – enjoy being a student – road-tripper – reader – Alaska summer – barista – intern – mentor – mentee – musician? – college graduate – groomsman – disorganized – substitute teacher – slacker – rock climber – frustrated – moved to Georgia – introvert again – artist – traveling – lived in hotels – missed community – intern – Starbucks – best friend – South Dakota summer – handy man/remodeler – New York City summer – handy man/remodeler – figuring out direction – create my own job – coach/mentor – teacher – Christ-follower – need-filler – going back to school soon…

in this past month, what have you learned

• a lot about Church history, and that fitting it all in to six hours worth of class is overwhelming
• sometimes I need to be more persistent
• a little bit more about my direction/purpose
• a little bit more about where I might be going to school
• Soren Kierkegaard has some great things to say about "you shall love your neighbour as yourself." Read Works of Love sometime.
• some eye-opening statistics about the exploitation of children in my own city (check out http://stopthecandyshop.com)
• riding horses is a lot of fun
• I'm surrounded by great people
• God continues to pursue me
• I can only control the length of my hair... there are no other factors that I get to consider
• I am capable of feeling cold in Georgia --or-- over the course of 5 years, my blood has thinned
• there's still a lot of good music out there for me to discover
• there's still a lot of good books out there for me to read
• collecting knowledge does nothings... application, application, application.
• etc.