Gray's Pedestal

Why is it that when you've been so blessed, you still find ways to create chaos in your life? Things seem to want to fall into place, but there's still a part of you that seems to sabotage the rest. Some people, given the opportunities I've been given, would have done a lot more with themselves. I do hope that a late start will not mean I've handicapped my potential. Time will tell, and I'm excited to break through each barrier that my lack of direction and focus and passion has built up.

I feel like I'm cleaning up the broken rubble from one of those barriers right now. I'm through, and now it's time to use my progress, the lessons learned, to re-calibrate myself.

There are points in my life that I am not proud of. There are thoughts that have gone through my head and actions that I've taken that I'd like to leave unclaimed. There are aspects of my personality that I keep trying to diminish while other characteristics I'd like to strengthen.

At one point, not long ago enough, I wouldn't have said it, but the pervasive idea marinating in my mind was that I didn't really know what I believed. The person I claimed to be and the person that I actually was were two very different people. I was living up to some people's standards but not the standards I was claiming.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you...

I don't know what I believe right now. It scares me to think about that, to make it a reality by putting it in writing. It should scare me more, but I keep holding on to a single strand of faith, hoping that what seemed so real in the past will seem real again someday... For so long I've felt disconnected from the life I'm living. That life would be the one where I show up to church services and sing songs and lead Bible studies and so on. The life most people would label as "good Christian." And yes, maybe I'm experiencing a very normal quarter-life-crisis... Lots of people in their twenties are trying to figure out what they believe. Perhaps I'm just experiencing what is a very normal phase of spirituality. It could be that simple... My hope is that I'll change -- I'd like to stop moving right now so that I can figure out where I'm at and what direction I should be facing -- and get going again.

Like my inclination to hold on to my thoughts, I hold on to my heart. I don't give out love easily. I have a great capacity for love. I'm not special in this, perhaps a little emotional, but just human. The idea of love is so rich in my mind that it scares me. Using the word scares me. Even family and close friends I've had for my whole life don't hear me use the word. They'll say "I love you," and I'll reply, "You too." My pride is too fragile for such vulnerability.

I'm very conscious of treating people as I would like to be treated, but I am still selfish. My default motivation is not to create happiness in those around me. What I really want is to be accepted, to be loved, to feel good about myself. I want to recieve, and the act of giving is just access to the receiving. And now I'm thinking about how horrible all this sounds, but for the most part, I usually don't feel bad about it because I don't think about it... but from time to time there is something in me that approaches unselfishness. Love that does not act out of a desire to be reimbursed, but gives freely. It is so fragile that you hold back words, but somehow, you find yourself motivated by something greater than yourself. Capable of being unselfish, you find yourself putting others first. It may be just a glimpse of what love could be, but this strange kind of interaction feels so right.

I'm not sure what I know of love. I find myself in disbelief sometimes, but that is diminishing as of late. Despite my admission that my beliefs are very fluid, I've been told my whole life that there is a God who loves me completely. I'm struggling with that concept right now, but I am starting to understand the part about complete love... just a little bit. Selfless, constant, never-ending, no need of anything returned, just loving because the object is there to be loved... And so I'm talking into thin air to a God I'm trying my best to believe in, knowing very little, but being told that he loves me completely and has put His all into restoring me, and I'm not doing the same. I'm not doing my part, so how can the relationship thrive?

I hope I can find the answers. I hope I can find more faith. I hope I can find whatever is missing. And when that happens, I hope I can find myself back at the point where I'm giving my all.

It's very sobering to remember where I've been in relation to where I am now. It's nothing that I have done. It's the persistance of a loving God that takes us from the valley to the mountain top, and it's the persistance of a loving God that walks with us as we go back into the darkness of trial.

As I posted about a year and a half ago... "There are times in life when I can't find purpose or a foothold or a break... and there are times when I'm constantly aware of the warmth of God's presence... and that in both I am secure in His hands."