Gray's Pedestal

There is a massive presence, an unspoken…

I’m being attacked. Uncertainty, doubt, stress, isolation… I miss all the comforts which had become the norm. My life feels empty and dark, but on the move. I am sacrificing comfort for growth. I no longer seek the next comfort or positive feeling in a series of "pick-me-ups." So many live in that pattern. I want so badly to break the habit. It is costing me.

"Is your love declared in the darkness,
Your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
Or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?"

I’ve been described as a "jack of all trades, master of none." I’m a bit quieter around my family, but then again, that’s when I spare no wit. I get plenty of opportunities to be the jokester, and I have a lot of fun playing that role. At work, I end up being friends with everybody, but then again, I do take things seriously enough to know when to quit with the fun and games and get things done. I have so many personalities that surface when I’m around different groups of friends. Sometimes I try to be the quiet, serious thinker, other times I just goof off and act like a complete idiot. One friend describes me as a poser, not in the sense that I’m a fake, but that he always catches me in some dramatic stance, like the catwalk is lit and cameras are snapping. I think it’s more of a joke than anything. Another friend always wants me to recite some joke that she’s heard a hundred times, but apparently, "you tell it so perfect."

There are many things in this world that I love; many things which I can give my heart to. I am absorbed in music, art, sport, literature, exploration, history, you name it. Yet I realize that I lack the one great passion of my life. I observe others who have given everything up in the pursuit of their great passion. Yet, like a warrior in times of peace or a performer with no audience, I find no outlet to discover and exhibit the passion of my life. I am not hopeless, just homeless.

I’m like Jonah: the guy in the Bible that runs from what God wants him to do. He eventually realizes that he can’t escape from God’s purpose for his life. Except for me, I haven’t figured out the purpose yet, so I get to unsuccessfully try to escape from monotony.

I’ll go to work and go home. Not that life is boring, not at all, but everything gets too easy sometimes. Unfortunately, I’ve found that I tend to fall into that tedious life that necessitates change. That is, I let myself get stuck in the pattern of life every so often and I have to shake things up.

I think there’s something to be said about people who take initiative. It’s not always the most logical path taken, but when everything in your life becomes normal and vague, dominated by a schedule that doesn’t leave room for spontaneity, something has to be done. It’s those moments of purpose and boldness that I realize where I am and where I am not.