Gray's Pedestal

2011-11-11T10:38:00.001-08:00

"The infinite value of each human soul is not a Christian doctrine. God did not die for man because of some value He perceived in him. The value of each human soul considered simply in itself, out of relation to God, is zero. As St. Paul writes, to have died for valuable men would have been not divine but merely heroic; but God died for sinners. He loved us not because we were lovable, but because He is Love. It may be that He loves all equally--He certainly loved all to the death--and I am not certain what the expressions means. If there is equality, it is in His love, not in us."
C.S. Lewis

Life Poorly Lived

2011-10-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

Much has happened over the past couple months. I seem to be experiencing life at a faster pace these days. In the struggle to find balance between all that life has for me I am often distracted... especially from writing.

I had a chance to stop and catch up with some family recently. At some point in the conversation, the question of how God's omniscience intersects with human free will was being discussed. -- "If God knows everything, he knows what I'm going to do, so does he make me do it?" -- Trying to make complicated theological issues clear, we talked about how humanity views life as a web of possible routes we can take, yet God sees the same reality as a straight line, knowing before we act that each decision will take us down the designated path. And regardless of how inadequate our thinking and our attempts to explain whatever viewpoint we take may be, I know that God creates out of nothing. Surely he can make order out of chaos.

And that's a good thing for me. In my life I have been confused, ignorant, stupid, depressed, irrational, stubborn, and lost. But, fortunately, the entire time I've been tripping over my own inadequacies, God has laid out the path in front of me. From far away, I'm following God's will for my life. It's only when you look closer you realize that my "walking" looks more like stumbling and "God's will" seems more like active grace than some pre-determined course.

Having seen all my failures from a front row seat, it makes me breath a little easier.

Can you imagine if my life depended entirely on me? I don’t want to take on irresponsibility in place of insufficiency, but as I grow up little by little and get better at navigating life, I’m reassured by knowing that God’s guidance and presence are with me.

I'm optimistic about a life poorly lived...

Going forward... still optimistic.

Feeling Good

2011-06-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm feeling good. I'm excited about the randomness of today.
This phase of life I've been in has been a lot of things - the beginnings are always exciting and the ends are always exciting - but even in the midst of the in between, I'm excited as I watch the process happening. I guess it's because of that, because I am seeing the process happen. Not that anything dramatic happened today, but the life lessons I've been offered lately seem to be taking root. And having learned and forgotten a lot of life lessons, well, it's just good to see it become real.

... so today's notables.
- I set my alarm because I had a lot to do today, but I ended up sleeping in an extra hour and a half. But it turned out to be a good day to oversleep.
- Despite oversleeping, I accomplished a lot.
- My closet almost came crashing to the ground, but Beau noticed it sagging and only two brackets had come loose. Before any more broke, I found a metal bracket to replace the broken plastic one. All that to say, I fixed it before it became a much bigger issue. (not very notable, but it happened)
- Had our first meeting for Philippians small group. Really cool group of people. This will be my first time leading a bigger group and a co-ed group, but I'm looking forward to it. Seems like these people are eager to learn and grow, which is very encouraging.
- Random phone call from my cousin who I haven't seen in 4 years. He's going to be in town this weekend.
- Talked with one of my best friends who lives up in Indiana. Miss that guy. Need to visit Indiana soon.

2011-05-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

For anyone interested in keeping up with my upcoming trip to Guatemala...

http://12stoneguatemala.blogspot.com/

... or you can find the site via my link list to your left.

2011-05-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

I stand at the shoreline,
My feet firmly planted at the wave’s peak,
And yet the tide continues to push in.
My footing erodes away slowly,
One waning wave at a time.
My God is as persistent as the waves.
What can stop His relentlessness?
He never stops pursuing me.
He would have all of me if I would give it all,
But I desire to stand on my own.

Hurt

2011-04-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm hurting for my friends tonight. I'm asking questions that I would otherwise know the answers to, but the answers don't always seem to make sense.

2011-01-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

The most dominant thought in your mind will become the theme of your life. It will shape your trajectory. Do not allow a lie to guide you. You will often hear whispers from the enemy, each aimed at claiming some small territory of your heart or a corner of your mind. Do not hear the small lies that can so easily take over your mind and turn your life from the designated path. But listen to the voice of reason. Listen to the one who loves. Know the truth. All is well. You have a purpose. No mistake exists without the opportunity for redemption.

Staying Optimistic until Something Goes Wrong

2010-12-28T21:51:00.000-08:00

I think there is something important about a person having their own space. Not everybody will own land and a house, but having a place that is available for retreat is something everyone needs to have. A place to get away. Mine is my room. It’s my comfort zone. Don’t put your feet on my pillow, they belong at the other end of the bed. Let’s not move everything around, I put it where it is, it belongs there. I have too much stuff, too many books, more clutter than I want, but it works for me. It isn’t that it’s messy, there’s just more stuff than you would expect encompassed in this amount of space. But to me, it is comfortable.

Outside the French doors to my room is a wholly different scenario. You see, in the wake of Christmas-time at the Brannon’s, there are, outside the house, a few patches of snow which prove our whitest Christmas since re-locating to Georgia, and inside the house, chaos. It seems that in return for time off from work, Brannon’s will, no matter the actual season, clean like it’s the spring. The new toys each has accumulated has left their new owner with two options, 1) stack the new version on top of the old version and call it a day or 2) reorganize everything so that it will all fit together nicely. For me, stacking a new pair of jeans on top of the old jeans is exactly what I’ve chosen to do, but when you end up with a new TV, I understand the need to reorganize a bit.

Anyway, it’s a bit chaotic around here. And to the point where my comfort zone is being threatened, and it’s… uncomfortable.

... but I'm listening to good music, and I'm almost to bed for the night. Staying positive.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

2010-12-25T21:41:00.001-08:00

So today was Christmas. My last Christmas day post didn't have much to do with Christmas. This time around I'll stick to the subject. And so I rhetorically ask... "What's up with Christmas?"

There seems to be two schools of thought when answering this question. The first would not admit it in words, but in action, the answer would revolve around the commercialism of the holiday. Get together with family and give and receive stuff. The Grinch put it well…

That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts. You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice... The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue." Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is stupid, stupid, stupid!

We’ve heard the argument against commercialism often enough that we’ve developed a callous towards the excessive nature of our culture. So no need to keep going with that.

The other school of thought is that there is something more meaningful about this holiday. And so I’d like to place myself amongst this school of thinking, and not only that, to clarify what it is about Christmas that I find meaningful.

“O Come, O Come, Emmanuel”

For the entire course of history, before that first Christmas, the One, True God was all powerful, the perfect picture of love and peace, active among His creation… there was nothing missing. And on Christmas, He became GOD WITH US. And for me, especially this year, I’m seeing a huge difference between God and GOD WITH US.

(Temporary) Crisis of Direction

2010-12-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

The "temporary" might be temporary, or the "temporary" might be permanent. I'd like to think the "temporary" will turn out to be a permanent, in which case this will all turn out to be temporary. So time will tell whether or not the "temporary" is necessary.
But all day today, I'm feeling like the plans I've put together for my future are under attack. I'm doubting much, sure of little... and wondering if I should understand this feeling as "temporary."

The best communion/relationship/connection is not found in the glamor, but in the normal.

2010-11-27T01:34:00.000-08:00

I'm all over the place tonight...

Today... actually yesterday now... was "national cake day," and I'm sad that I didn't involve myself in any festivities involving cake. I had some apple pie, which is always a treat for those days following Thanksgiving, but not cake. Had I been aware that this was a day for cake, I would've chosen between red velvet and chocolate with vanilla frosting, but I missed my chance. There will be others, I'm sure...

One thing I'm pleased to have taken part in over the last few days was that always-present Thanksgiving reminder... to be thankful for something. Every year of accumulated life experience creates a greater appreciation for blessings. Blessings of community, family, health, met needs, and potential. I’m learning so much right now, but more than a gaining of more facts, I’m learning about the reality of a God who pursues. This is what has been on my mind more than anything else over this season of thankfulness.

Having had the chance to look at Luke 15 quite a bit this past month, I’ll admit, it can be very easy for me to question the “fairness” of grace. It certainly seems like some people get it all, and maybe I’ve missed my chance to rebel. Isn’t that the story of the older brother? I am learning about my own brokenness, my own need, and the unique way in which I run from my Creator, and yet He continues to pursue. I wish I would grow up already. I wish I didn’t mess up all the time. I wish I could get to the point where I would stay in the right frame of mind, but from time to time, I’m out of my mind. And yet He continues to pursue. I’m so very consistent in so many ways, but in my own pursuit of God, I am so inconsistent. I am either hot, cold, or lukewarm, but constantly fickle. And yet He continues to pursue.

What do you say about that kind of love? What should I say? I’m a little bit limited in my own knowledge of love, and I think I’ve seen enough to know what love isn’t. I know that feelings change. I know that my lack of consistency can be blamed on an emotion-motivated existence. While I don’t want to speak for all of humanity, I think it’s safe to say that, for most people, emotions are not limited to mere highs and lows, but can venture as far as present and not present. Some more than others are said to be "emotional people," but we can all relate to such extremes, despite how readily we express those extremes. Most people claim love – in their families, friends, romances – but life happens and that “love” becomes something else or it becomes nothing – or maybe it was something else or nothing all along. Are we not all a little bit broken, a little off?

So what do I have to say about the kind of love that maintains, the kind of love that surpasses whatever emotions are current, the kind of love that overlooks brokenness and flaw, the kind of love that does not expect anything returned? I’m wondering if there has ever been a love that was anything else.

2010-11-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when you've been so blessed, you still find ways to create chaos in your life? Things seem to want to fall into place, but there's still a part of you that seems to sabotage the rest. Some people, given the opportunities I've been given, would have done a lot more with themselves. I do hope that a late start will not mean I've handicapped my potential. Time will tell, and I'm excited to break through each barrier that my lack of direction and focus and passion has built up.

I feel like I'm cleaning up the broken rubble from one of those barriers right now. I'm through, and now it's time to use my progress, the lessons learned, to re-calibrate myself.

There are points in my life that I am not proud of. There are thoughts that have gone through my head and actions that I've taken that I'd like to leave unclaimed. There are aspects of my personality that I keep trying to diminish while other characteristics I'd like to strengthen.

At one point, not long ago enough, I wouldn't have said it, but the pervasive idea marinating in my mind was that I didn't really know what I believed. The person I claimed to be and the person that I actually was were two very different people. I was living up to some people's standards but not the standards I was claiming.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you...

I don't know what I believe right now. It scares me to think about that, to make it a reality by putting it in writing. It should scare me more, but I keep holding on to a single strand of faith, hoping that what seemed so real in the past will seem real again someday... For so long I've felt disconnected from the life I'm living. That life would be the one where I show up to church services and sing songs and lead Bible studies and so on. The life most people would label as "good Christian." And yes, maybe I'm experiencing a very normal quarter-life-crisis... Lots of people in their twenties are trying to figure out what they believe. Perhaps I'm just experiencing what is a very normal phase of spirituality. It could be that simple... My hope is that I'll change -- I'd like to stop moving right now so that I can figure out where I'm at and what direction I should be facing -- and get going again.

Like my inclination to hold on to my thoughts, I hold on to my heart. I don't give out love easily. I have a great capacity for love. I'm not special in this, perhaps a little emotional, but just human. The idea of love is so rich in my mind that it scares me. Using the word scares me. Even family and close friends I've had for my whole life don't hear me use the word. They'll say "I love you," and I'll reply, "You too." My pride is too fragile for such vulnerability.

I'm very conscious of treating people as I would like to be treated, but I am still selfish. My default motivation is not to create happiness in those around me. What I really want is to be accepted, to be loved, to feel good about myself. I want to recieve, and the act of giving is just access to the receiving. And now I'm thinking about how horrible all this sounds, but for the most part, I usually don't feel bad about it because I don't think about it... but from time to time there is something in me that approaches unselfishness. Love that does not act out of a desire to be reimbursed, but gives freely. It is so fragile that you hold back words, but somehow, you find yourself motivated by something greater than yourself. Capable of being unselfish, you find yourself putting others first. It may be just a glimpse of what love could be, but this strange kind of interaction feels so right.

I'm not sure what I know of love. I find myself in disbelief sometimes, but that is diminishing as of late. Despite my admission that my beliefs are very fluid, I've been told my whole life that there is a God who loves me completely. I'm struggling with that concept right now, but I am starting to understand the part about complete love... just a little bit. Selfless, constant, never-ending, no need of anything returned, just loving because the object is there to be loved... And so I'm talking into thin air to a God I'm trying my best to believe in, knowing very little, but being told that he loves me completely and has put His all into restoring me, and I'm not doing the same. I'm not doing my part, so how can the relationship thrive?

I hope I can find the answers. I hope I can find more faith. I hope I can find whatever is missing. And when that happens, I hope I can find myself back at the point where I'm giving my all.

It's very sobering to remember where I've been in relation to where I am now. It's nothing that I have done. It's the persistance of a loving God that takes us from the valley to the mountain top, and it's the persistance of a loving God that walks with us as we go back into the darkness of trial.

As I posted about a year and a half ago... "There are times in life when I can't find purpose or a foothold or a break... and there are times when I'm constantly aware of the warmth of God's presence... and that in both I am secure in His hands."

the Weight of Glory

2010-11-16T00:41:00.000-08:00

Trying to write tonight is not finding success due to sleepiness. So I will save what is there and, instead, leave a great quote from Lewis. Maybe I'll write while I'm awake tomorrow.

"The infinite value of each human soul is not a Christian doctrine. God did not die for man because of some value He perceived in him. The value of each human soul considered simply in itself, out of relation to God, is zero. As St. Paul writes, to have died for valuable men would have been not divine but merely heroic; but God died for sinners. He loved us not because we were lovable, but because He is Love. It may be that He loves all equally--He certainly loved all to the death--and I am not certain what the expressions means. If there is equality, it is in His love, not in us."

Intro to Kierkegaard

2010-11-12T21:34:00.000-08:00

My exposure to Soren Kierkegaard is very limited. I've heard some quotes over the years and I've heard his name tossed around followed by positive comments, so I decided to pick up one of his most famous books, Works of Love. He is quickly rising up the favorites list. I'm only through the second chapter and I'm already hooked on his thought processes.

Starting with the command to "love your neighbour as yourself," he breaks down every angle of the command and the picture of love that comes from his argument is life changing. Not the kind of thing you say is "life changing" but is really not... with his understanding of love, given that it is actually applied to real life, we're talking about a completely different life.

To understand that love is a command, not a consideration, is the most freeing idea. Every angle of this new idea of life was falling into place, except one. So at each pause in reading I was struggling to understand how one should deal with losing the object of love, and then I worked my way to the last paragraph in chapter two. Time for an excerpt...

"But this "You shall sorrow" is both true and beautiful. I do not have the right to harden myself against the pains of life, for I ought to sorrow; but neither have I the right to despair, for I ought to sorrow; furthermore, neither do I have the right to stop sorrowing, for I ought to sorrow. So it is also with love. You have no right to harden yourself against this emotion, for you ought to love; but neither do you have the right to love despairingly, for you ought to love; just as little do you have the right to misuse this emotion in you, for you ought to love. You ought to preserve the love and you ought to preserve yourself and in and by preserving yourself to preserve the love. There where the merely human wants to storm forth, the command still holds; there where the merely human would lose courage, the command strengthens; there where the merely human would become tired and clever, the command flames up and gives wisdom. The command consumes and burns out what is unsound in your love, but through the command you shall be able to kindle it again when humanly considered it would cease. When you think you can easily give counsel, take the command as your counsel; but when you do not know how to counsel, the command shall prevail so that everything nevertheless comes out well."

Kierkegaard was a smart man.

who are you?

2010-11-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

Born in Topeka, 1982 – brother – son – laughing – preacher’s kid – default Christian – sports – moved to Oklahoma – moved to Indiana – good student – basketball all the time – soccer all the time – same group of friends – summer camps – Christian – quiet – Jamaica – ministry? – graduate – college student – roommate – never enough sleep – broke out of shell – temporarily outgoing – enjoy being a student – road-tripper – reader – Alaska summer – barista – intern – mentor – mentee – musician? – college graduate – groomsman – disorganized – substitute teacher – slacker – rock climber – frustrated – moved to Georgia – introvert again – artist – traveling – lived in hotels – missed community – intern – Starbucks – best friend – South Dakota summer – handy man/remodeler – New York City summer – handy man/remodeler – figuring out direction – create my own job – coach/mentor – teacher – Christ-follower – need-filler – going back to school soon…

in this past month, what have you learned

2010-11-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

a lot about Church history, and that fitting it all in to six hours worth of class is overwhelming
sometimes I need to be more persistent
a little bit more about my direction/purpose
a little bit more about where I might be going to school
Soren Kierkegaard has some great things to say about "you shall love your neighbour as yourself." Read Works of Love sometime.
some eye-opening statistics about the exploitation of children in my own city (check out http://stopthecandyshop.com)
riding horses is a lot of fun
I'm surrounded by great people
God continues to pursue me
I can only control the length of my hair... there are no other factors that I get to consider
I am capable of feeling cold in Georgia --or-- over the course of 5 years, my blood has thinned
there's still a lot of good music out there for me to discover
there's still a lot of good books out there for me to read
collecting knowledge does nothings... application, application, application.
etc.

a picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2010-11-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

This isn't a year ago. I don't have an organized collection of pictures, so instead of figuring out a specific picture, I just picked an old one. So this is me in '05.

And this is me in the last couple months. My eyes aren't always that evil, and I don't always have an unquenchable thirst for Gatorade, but other than that, this is normal me.

Since last year, I've had some growing up experiences. Even though you make a decision once, when the question arises again, you have to decide whether you will go one way or the other. And over the last year, I've made some of those decisions yet again. I came to the conclusion that it's good to know and be known by the people I get to do life with. I've learned that despite my wandering and tendency to make mistakes, I'm always only one step away from communion with God. And although I will continue to stumble, I've decided that I will be the kind of person who strives for more.

I've also come to a better understanding of how blessed I am. I see how I fit into my family better, and how they fill in the gaps of who I am. I've decided the next step for my life is to go back to school. I've also learned that, sometimes, instead of waiting for an opportunity, you make one. It's been a good year.

why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

2010-11-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

I major reason, which I mentioned as an introduction to the thirty days, was my issue with sleeping. Over the last month and a half, I've been on a different sleep schedule than previously. I'm slowly getting back to an earlier bedtime, but I still am not able to fall asleep easily. So spending a few minutes each night is not a sacrifice, it is a way to concentrate on something besides sleeplessness.

Another reason is that I enjoy writing. I like having an outlet for what's going on in my mind, and although these thirty topics haven't been the best for that release, the practice of writing on a regular basis has helped me clear my mind for more important things. And if there's ever been a time to have a clear mind, now isn't a bad choice.

And of course, as the answer to most "why" questions, why not?

what you think about your friends

2010-11-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

There's so much to say about my friends. It's weird to think back on all the stages of my social life. There's been some amazing people that I've had the honor of sharing life with, and I know I'm very blessed. To say that, as a whole, my friends possess any certain attributes would definitely be misleading. There are people that are nothing alike, but that diversity really helps me understand how important each person is to me. So thank you to each one of you.

more to say when you can't sleep

2010-11-03T23:07:00.001-07:00

Only until later on tonight did I arrive at the point where today seemed a little productive. Most of the day I sat in front of my computer screen trying to organize thoughts and material on Church History, and yet for most of the day, I had nothing to show for it. But because it was Wednesday, I got to sit in on a class, and tonight's topic was the Theology of God. So I listened to ideas that I had heard before about what we know about God and what we know, but can't explain, about God. It was a valuable time for me to reflect on the evolution of my knowledge of, and faith in, God.

How has he maintained while I've done nothing but wander and change?

His faithfulness is constant and pure.

His patience with me is undeniable.

And as I get back into Church History during the wee hours of this morning, I see God's faithfulness and patience exhibited on a global and eternal scale. It's very reassuring to understand this, even though I can't fully understand it.

what i would find in your bag

2010-11-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to take this opportunity to clean out my bag, and I'll just list off what I take out.

Nalgene clipped to the loop on the outside
Ipod
favorite hat
cheap flashlight I got at W/E
Works of Love by Soren Kierkegaard
Quicknotes Christian History Guidebook
Handbook of Denominations in the U.S. by Frank S. Mead
Study Bible
a few pens and pencils in the middle pocket
a bandana and gum rapper in the right pocket
nothing in the left pocket

a letter to your parents

2010-11-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom and Dad,
I know we all have a few regrets. There are things about my life that I wish were a little different. I know now that every parent messes their kid up a little bit, but that makes us who we are. And I think you did pretty good.
So thanks for everything. Thanks for staying together. Thanks for helping me get to the point that I'm at. Thanks for supporting my dreams and encouraging me to push for a better life. Thanks for bringing me up the way you did. Thanks for disciplining me the way you did. Thanks for teaching me so much. Thanks for showing me what is really important in life.
Love you both,
Your Favorite Son

something you crave for a lot

2010-11-02T21:26:00.001-07:00

One more for tonight...

I tend to crave steak and chicken, sushi, any kind of pastry with fruit, and, since I try to limit my soda intake, I have the occasional caffeine craving. Also, my wonderful mother makes amazing fried rice that I could eat every day. One more... I can't/don't get enough homemade mashed potatoes. I can't wait for Thanksgiving.

I need a snack.

what makes you different from everyone else

2010-11-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Missed a few days... but here we go.

I possess characteristics that, individually are not unusual, but the combination of the entire set is unlike any other. But that's what makes everyone different from everyone else. However, according to Wikipedia, my Myers-Briggs personality (INFJ) is the lowest percentage of the population, so I guess that makes me a little bit unique.

I do have an interesting combination of the youngest child behavior and the middle child behavior. I'm especially patient, which somehow lends itself to occasional awkwardness. My sense of humor is definitely a little off, and it is magnified by having my brothers around. I'm a fast learner, at least most of the time. I think I possess a weird combination of steadiness and emotional-ness, but maybe that's more common than I'm aware of. And despite the fact that I'm out of school, I wish I could still have homework, which even I think is pretty stupid.

a picture of something that makes you happy

2010-10-28T23:23:00.001-07:00

Could this be due to the fact that it's 2:30 in the morning? Yes. Let's go with that.

someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

2010-10-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Beyond the typical -- good sense of humor, etc. -- I think there are a few characteristics that I've learned I work really well with and/or I've found are more vital to the kind of relationship I want to be a part of.

It's not romantic, but I highly value a person who is good at conflict resolution. Everybody wants to spend time with people who they have common interests with, but more than enjoying a person's company, which is obviously important, I want to be with someone who I can face issues with, and whether we are on the same side or not, we can learn to thrive together. And I think this, in many ways, goes hand-in-hand with a good work ethic, which is rediculously important.

Another characteristic I look for in people is their adaptability. When it comes to being in a relationship with me, adaptability is definitely more important for the sanity of the fortunate young lady than it is a benefit for me. As I've learned about my own personality, I've learned that spontaneity can be good or bad (depending on who it affects), and I know my randomness could wear on a person if they were not built to deal with it. But knowing that, finding a person who shares this characteristic with me makes for a really great connection.

I would say those are the two traits that really make a long-term difference to me. Of course, I want the rest... the sense of humor, the adventurousness, the like-mindedness, the comfort in who she is instead of the desire to be who others want her to be, the selflessness, and the many other things that (I think) everybody wants in a person. Also, being easy on the eyes sure doesn't hurt.

nicknames you have; why do you have them

2010-10-28T11:11:00.001-07:00

Not really a nickname guy. Rich and Richie are short for Richard, but I wouldn't consider those real nicknames. Over the years I have had a few, but none of them have lasted. I was called "Dirk" by some of the guys I played basketball with in high school because I was the only basketball player with shaggy hair and I guess that made me comparable to Dirk Nowitski. And "the Lionheart" was a nickname for a few days a couple summers ago, which was picked up around the card table, but probably only because it was late and everybody was tired. Not sure if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but that's all I can think of, and I'm fine with it.

plans/dreams/goals you have

2010-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

Some are more realistic than others...

I plan on going back to school soon and studying Biblical Studies
I have a goal to pick which school to go to by the end of November
I'd like to teach Biblical studies someday
I want to sail around the world at some point
There are many places on my travel list... I'd like to check all of those off the list
I want to help people change their lives for the better
I'd like to, someday, have a nicer car that doesn't break down regularly
I want to spend more time reading and writing
I want to hit a last-second-shot to win the NCAA Basketball tournament for the Kansas Jayhawks (this one might be a bit of a stretch)
I want to go to a KU game at the Phog (sad that this hasn't happened yet)

someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

2010-10-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

I love foreign experiences, so I'd switch with someone from another culture or with someone who lived hundreds of years ago. I'm not feeling this topic, so that's all.

another picture of yourself

2010-10-25T20:10:00.001-07:00

It's always nice getting random chess opportunities...

put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

2010-10-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

1. Damian Rice, The Blower's Daughter
2. Nat King Cole, Bugle Call Rag
3. Foo Fighters, Live-in Skin
4. 311, Loco
5. Johnny Cash, Bridge Over Troubled Water
6. Travis, She's So Strange
7. Ghostland Observatory, Piano Man
8. Arrested Development, Tennessee
9. Pink Floyd, Shine On You Crazy Diamond
10. Muse, Take a Bow

a picture of you and your family

2010-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

Bad Christmas sweaters with my brothers and Grandpa...

a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

2010-10-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Cecil,
Right now, you're not very "dear" to me, but that will change. I guess I get frustrated because I feel like we're always trying to fix things and we never have a chance to just be. We worked out an issue yesterday, and today, we're right in the middle of something else. It's not like I'm expecting perfection, but I'd like to get to the point where there isn't a list of issues to deal with. I trust that that day is coming. In the meantime, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, I'm frustrated, but not mad. You're a good car, and I got a good deal on you, so I'm willing to accept the fact that you might need some work every once in awhile. Let's just try to go for a while without having something else break. I think we can both agree on that. It's the best for everyone.
Yours in Christ,
Richie

(Don't get me wrong, I've been hurt before, but I was just staring at the computer screen, not able to think of anything to write about. Maybe it means I'm boring, but I can't think of anything that has happened recently that has left me "hurt." I am struggling to find an answer to an important question in my life and it's looking more and more like I need a new job, plus, my football team isn't doing all that great, but there isn't anyone that has mistreated me. It's all just circumstantial.)

how you found out about [Blogger] and why you made one

2010-10-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

The list I copied was apparently designed for "tumblr," which I assume is quite similar to "Blogger." Just a guess. I'll continue assuming that this "tumblr" is, therefore, just one of many blogging options, and nothing beyond the basic concept. So if I'm missing something by my assumptions, then I'll just answer the question that is in my head...

One of the first blogs I had any interest in was one my friend was keeping during an around-the-world trip. The previously-mentioned Paul, post-graduation, took off on an adventure that I was very jealous of, so I kept up with his trip via his blog, Vagabonding. So that was my introduction to "Blogger."

My reason behind starting my own blog was very simple. I like to write, and I want to get better. I've since learned that this format for writing is not the kind of thing that makes a big difference in elevating the skill of writing, at least that I've noticed. What has been interesting to discover is the amount of discipline it requires to crank out something very often. I've never been a technology-minded person. It took me years to convert from tapes to CDs, years to acquire a cell phone, I still don't text, and for me, writing is best done on paper. But I'm starting to get better at the art of forcing myself to write, regardless of whether I'm feeling the need for the mental release. So that's why I'm keeping the blog, despite the unsuccessfulness of my posting.

another picture of you and your friends

2010-10-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

...on the ferris wheel at the fair.

songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

2010-10-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

I listen to music constantly, and there's no doubt that my mood has a great influence on what I'm listening to.

When I'm happy, I can listen to anything. So I guess this is my chance to tell you my favorites... Radiohead, MuteMath, Muse, & Josh Garrels are probably the top four. (Those four make it into any category) And then there's radio-friendly stuff like Coldplay and John Mayer that can fall into the "non-moody" music category, so that works whenever.

When I'm sad, it's a good chance to get back to some nostalgic music. So you can bet there will be some DMB. Others might include Stereophonics, Ben Folds, U2, or any of my favorite classic rock bands. And of course, being sad is the perfect occasion to skip ahead to the ballads on your Ipod.

Being bored creates the right mood to try something new. Usually that's my cue to look up a band I've heard about but yet to listen to. Or if I'm less motivated, I'll look through my Ipod for something I haven't listened to in a long time.

Hype music might be my specialty. Not that my music library consists of hype bands, but that's the mood when I absolutely must have music playing. There's nothing worse than getting pumped up for some silence. So when I'm hyped up, I'm listening to 311, NIN, Rage, and a select choice of hip-hop. And on the occasion when my mood might be described as "mad," this would be the same list. Especially Rage.

And just because it's one of my favorite all time songs from possibly my favorite all time album from one of my favorite bands, I'm listening to Radiohead's "There There" from Hail to the Thief as I finish tonight's post. It's so good.

something you’re proud of in the past few days

2010-10-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

This is a weird topic to approach. I'm not having many opportunities lately to be especially proud of things right now. I'm not trying to say there's nothing going on in my life, and I'm not trying to be particularly humble. To clarify, I think I'm just at a point where life means a lot of small things are going on, and so its weird to think of the small things in life and feel a tangible sense of pride.

Anyway, I'm stretching for some ideas, but I can come up with something to be proud of. Two things that I wasn't completely responsible for, so I'll put together two halves to make the one whole to which I'm experiencing my pride.

I helped make some really tasty soup today.

I helped come up with a pretty good lesson plan with my buddy yesterday.

Ground breaking, no?

... and since I missed writing last night...

2010-10-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

short term goals for this month and why

narrow my grad-school list down to one, then apply
finish getting my car fixed (there have been many issues lately, but I often will put off a repair if I can still drive the car)
write a lot
finish at least one of the books I'm currently reading
get prepared for my 2:15 sessions
come up with a good Halloween costume (preferably before Oct. 31)
etc.

a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

2010-10-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

The way I see it, there are just way too many someones and somethings that have had a cumulative impact on me. Who I am, what I believe, my purpose and direction in life... nothing about me would be the way it is without countless factors being placed along my path at just the right time. So for me to declare that one thing or person has had more of an impact than all others just can't happen. It's the same reason that I can't pick my favorite song or movie... I just don't want to rule out all the others. With these questions, I'm willing to admit that I'm a commit-a-phob.

What I can do is pick one and tell you about it. I’ve experienced life without it, and then experienced the entire range of introduction to familiarity, and so the impact can be clearly traced. It’s my brother, Beau.

I’m almost nine years older than Beau, so I feel like I had an almost entire childhood as the youngest, and then a bit of childhood and adolescence as the middle. And considering that, my personality has definitely been affected by this combination of youngest and middle child existence. I also had a front-row seat to how my parents parent, which is much different than viewing it from the perspective of the parented child.

But probably more than any other impact on my life, having a little brother has helped me understand how prone I am to teaching. It’s not something I ever thought about doing, but it was a big part of my life post-Beau.

Thanks brother.

(Beau is a little more grown up than that picture. But it is just such a great look.)

favorite super hero and why

2010-10-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

While I was a huge TMNT fan (or pretty much any ninja), this one is pretty easy for me. It's Batman. Batman is the best. I used to watch the Batman cartoon after school everyday. I would watch other shows, but nothing compared to Batman. Even then, I loved how dark Batman was. I think my affinity for this super hero is due to the fact that he's just a normal guy. Every other super hero needs some set of powers, but not Bruce Wayne. I mean sure, he's got lots of money to buy his toys, but he's just a specific ninja. And if there was ever any doubt he was my favorite, which there wasn't, the new series of movies has solidified my choice. I love how he walks the line between hero and villain from time to time. I love how plausible Batman is. I love how the character has issues that need to be balanced.
Good villians, too. Heath Ledger's Joker, forget about comparing him to any other villian... he wins.

a picture of somewhere you’ve been to

2010-10-09T22:48:00.000-07:00

Paris... one of my favorites.

a habit that you wish you didn’t have

2010-10-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I don't like bad habits. When I realize something about myself that I don't like, I try to fix it. I used to be late to everything, but I made a point to get better, and now I'm pretty punctual. But for whatever reason, if there's nothing going on, nothing to think about, or nothing to act on, I get fidgety. So, for a long time, I picked at my fingernails. And then I tried to break the habit, but I still needed something to do with myself, so I developed the lip-biting habit. So now, I'll either bite my lip (which isn't terrible, but looks dumb) or I'll pick at my fingernails (if they're long enough) or when I realize I'm doing one of those, I'll find something more useful to occupy my attention.

a picture of you and your friends

2010-10-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

Casper's wedding a couple years ago... Not all, but most of the guys from college.

the meaning behind your [Blogger] name

2010-10-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

Gray's Pedestal...

George Gray
I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me --
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire --
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.
- Edgar Lee Masters

This is my favorite poem. He talks about the character as a piece of art, a statue, but one that has many flaws. Many times he is offered something more, and each time he remains in the safety of the harbor until he finally realizes that a "play-it-safe" kind of life is no life at all. And so I love the reminder to never settle for something that isn't the life you want, to allow yourself to be a work in progress.

a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

2010-10-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Most recent picture of me, standing on the edge of a cliff next to highway 1, somewhere between L.A. and San Francisco.

I don't like starting with this one, but its the first one on the list, so I must...

1. I enjoy maps and black and white photography on my walls
2. I’ve lived in the following states (in this order): Kansas, Oklahoma, Indiana, Alaska, Georgia, South Dakota and New York (and currently back in Georgia)
3. My favorite season of the year is fall... I mean c'mon. Crisp weather, football, my birthday, some good holidays, and football. How could any other season compete?
4. My favorite/lucky numbers are 4 and 11.
5. I have a cat named Fitz. I like him.
6. If C.S. Lewis wrote something down, I want to read it.
7. I once jumped off a balcony and landed on a couch, all while sleep-walking. There are other stories of sleep-walking adventures, but jumping off the balcony wins.
8. Top two concerts I've been to... Radiohead at Lakewood in the pit, and MuteMath at the Tabernacle (DVD comes out soon)
9. I've never seen the Star Wars movies, but I'm working on a plan to make that happen soon.
10. I have a small record collection, a decent library, and, in a box somewhere, I have a pretty good collection of basketball cards from the early-mid nineties.
11. I once claimed to be able to pack any amount of luggage into the trunk of a car, and if you think I can't, you're wrong.
12. I played music with one of my top-5 favorite musicians.
13. If I'm trying to fall asleep in a quiet room with a ticking clock, I have to take the clock out of the room or the batteries out of the clock.
14. The easiest class ever I've ever taken... we would meet once a week, watch a movie, talk about it, and then write up a page about the movie. This is the one class I failed throughout my entire academic career.
15. I am incapable of keeping a pair of sunglasses for more than a month without losing them or breaking them... unless of course I don't like the sunglasses, in which case I don't have any issue holding onto them for years. I buy cheap sunglasses.

Insomnia Blame Game

2010-10-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

A while back I took a trip to Colorado with my friends from college, the Fullers, who are awesome and definitely on the “favorite” list. I want to say a lot of good things about Colorado. I like it. The flight home included some delays, and like a good company, Airtran decided to make it up to us by giving us a voucher for a free plane ticket. Thanks Airtran.

So months go by and the voucher fades to the back of my mind, and then I get a call from my friend Jamie Fuller, who asks, “Did you use that voucher yet?” So we started planning, and the result was a trip to California to visit our friends the Kinds (also on my “favorites” list).

The trip included many adventures, many fantastic meals, many early mornings playing tennis, and a near-perfect trip up the coast to from L.A. to San Francisco…

Near-perfect… driving up the 1 was stunning. The views were unlike any I had ever seen. Who would’ve thought over 12 hours of roadtripping would be as enjoyable as it was? And the time in San Francisco was great. Despite the cloudy day, we had a great time riding our rented bikes all over the city and struggling when it was time to go up the steep hills. But during the drive up, one of our many stops along the road was centered around a spontaneous hike out towards the cliffs, and had I known that I was about to hike into poison ivy, I would’ve, at the very least, replaced my flip-flops with shows… maybe even replaced my shorts with long pants… or maybe I would’ve chosen not to take the walk due to the knowledge of my extreme allergy to poison ivy. But all of those options were not considered because the poison ivy wasn’t noticed. And because I was oblivious to the poison ivy, there was no reason to was my feet off right away, so I soaked it all in. Anyway, it was bad. It was uncomfortable to say the least. And not being comfortable for more than a week made it hard to sleep for more than a week. But I’m doing better now, its just after a couple weeks of staying up later and later every night (because I wouldn’t fall asleep until I was beyond tired), my sleep schedule has been way off.

And so now I’m better, but I’ve become a night owl, and I don’t like it. Anyway, it’s an excuse to catch up with some writing. And so I’ll be starting up something which I’m stealing from my friend Sammi, who stole it from my friend Mandy. So for 30 days I'll be writing a lot of stuff that few will find interesting. Whatever...

day 01- a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 02- the meaning behind your tumblr name
day 03- a picture of you and your friends
day 04- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 05- a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
day 06- favorite super hero and why
day 07- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 08- short term goals for this month and why
day 09- something you’re proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about tumblr and why you made one
day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have; why do you have them
day 20- someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- a letter to your parents
day 25- what i would find in your bag
day 26- what you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- who are you?

2010-10-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long Blogger waits to delete an account due to inactivity, but apparently a year and a half is not the designated time. It was only a couple weeks ago that I stumbled upon a friend’s blog and the realization came into my head… “You have a blog.” So I guess I’m re-opening the vault of my mind to see what comes out.
What might help is the fact that sometime during the last year a got a working computer, so that can’t hurt. What definitely might help is my current bout with insomnia, a term which I am, admittedly, using without a strict adherence to the true definition. It isn’t an issue of getting enough sleep, its only the frustration of a morning person who has turned (overnight) into an extreme night owl. I don’t like it. I don’t know what to do with myself. It is time for sleeping, so I should be sleeping, but I can’t get to sleep.
Which brings me to my first topic to write about in awhile.
I know who to blame… I went to California recently.

...to my first love.

2009-05-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to understand the day to day struggle of finding your identity in a place it isn't. I'm starting to understand the feeling of emptiness that you can't get away from, that follows you around, that makes it a necessity that you schedule everything out because if there is any slot of time not assigned, you run back to your emptiness. I'm getting a little glimpse of all that. I'm sure it doesn't help others that are going through similar feelings, but at least I'm not as ignorant now. I know in my head that time will heal my heart and I'll begin to rediscover myself eventually, but my heart still longs for comfort.

My dad used to tell me that I should be a doctor. I'm not sure what he saw that lead him to that idea, but what comes to my mind is how queazy I feel when I'm around people in pain. My Granddad has had some health issues over the last few years, mostly with his feet. He was told he would never walk again, but with a little assistance from some very supportive boots, he gets around pretty well these days. Still, whenever I see him stand up and start to move around, I feel pain, I feel the pressure on my feet, I feel an emptiness in my gut because I know all his progress could be gone with one off step. There's no way I could surround myself with so much pain every day. I feel a need to say the right thing and do everything exactly right so that healing takes place immediately. And then I find myself needing healing, and I realize--although I've realized it again and again throughout my life, I have a very fresh realization--that sometimes it's not as easy as someone saying the right thing to you. Something is broken, and talking to it and treating it right does not repair what's wrong.

Forgive me for being cliche, but it doesn't require a high degree of spirituality or an advanced knowledge of philosophy to realize we live in a fallen, broken world. We are surrounded by pain all the time, and based on experience, most people would have to conclude that covering up is about the best we can do with healing. Sure, your body will fight against a fever and your cuts will seal, but there is a brokenness about our lives that reaches beyond our bones. That is where healing finds its greatest resistance. When we have a headache, we might take a pill; when we scrape a knee, we might disinfect and bandage the wound; but what is the remedy for a broken heart? What bandage can we put on a mind that is believing the lies that it's being fed?

There is something about emotional and spiritual brokenness that makes it so much more stubborn. If it were up to us, our hearts and minds would be healed, but sometimes there is something that interferes with our natural healing processes. Something gets in the way. We speak of miracles in our family when we talk about my Granddad being able to walk. His feet were breaking down faster than his body could repair them, and although it took surgeries and therapy, something as simple as walking has become a miracle. And yet, despite many injuries to bones and joints in my feet, it seems very normal that my body healed itself and the fact that I am walking doesn't impress anyone. It is the fact that my Granddad's healing seemed to defy nature's timing that we see a miracle. We speak of miracles when a person recovers from cancer when they are told they only have weeks to live, but when surgeries remove tumors and chemotherapy destroys cancerous cells, recovery is seen as successful treatment of the disease. And so it seems to me that the only difference between a miracle and normal recuperation is that a miracle possesses one of two properties: a miracle happens without the normal restraints of time, or a miracles bypasses some variable that was making healing especially difficult or impossible.

Maybe we all need some miracles in our lives... What if we could remove the hidden variable that keeps us trapped in our emotional brokenness? What if we could overcome the filter in our mind that twists our thoughts? What if we could stop believing the lie that keeps us running back to our emptiness? It would be a miracle, and I hope, for your sake and for mine, that miracles are still possible.

Vacation Reaction

2009-04-11T14:07:00.001-07:00

The northeastern region of the United States possesses, on one hand, a myth, created by culture and entertainment, which boasts of unparalleled energy and excitement, and on the other, a stigma of detachment and loneliness, unfortunately, also unparalleled. Having visited the area on several occasions, I have experienced and felt the accompanying emotions of these two extremes.

It becomes easy to focus on the vastness and speed of living that we pass by the very people that have been specifically and carefully chosen to clutter up our path. And like clutter, it may seem easier to sweep it all under the rug and pretend it's not there, which certainly has become the norm, but here and there I begin to think that there might be something to be found in the careful process of addressing our clutter...

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealing with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."
C.S. Lewis
The Weight of Glory

Excuse...

2009-04-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

It's very strange that of all the times in life not to be actively writing, these last few months have been void of it all. My usual habit of writing much and only posting minimally is not even the case. It's strange. I have so much to say. I think the barrier between what is traveling around my mind over and over and a piece of paper or a blog post is the delicacy of the topic.

On a few isolated occasions I've thrown caution to the wind and let myself go, but not in a public setting like the world wide web. So I'll dance around the topic without diving in too deep:

I'm happy about life right now. Not everybody is feeling that right now, and I just now realized that it's nice to be where I am... and it's nice to know it before it's time to start another climb. Life is not made to be bland and forgettable. It's good to live a life that's been blessed with extravagant and bold seasonings. Sometimes it's more dramatic and stressful than it is sweet, and that's a blessing. And to have your sweet-tooth satisfied is also a blessing. And that's where I am right now...

I've got this cute little lady that let's me take her out to eat when our free time happens to be at the same time. She says thank you when I pay for her meal. She likes foods that I don't even understand. Tofu. Strange vegetables. Organic hybrid plants. I try a bite and discover that my intuitions regarding foods I wont like are mostly accurate. But I like that she likes different things. I order foods that I know about. Pasta with chicken. Anything from the breakfast menu. Basics. Good food that I've heard of. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to food.

She adds flavor to my life. I am thankful for that. She is a blessing. She is beautiful. I wish I told her that more often.

...

There are times in life when I can't find purpose or a foothold or a break... and there are times when I'm constantly aware of the warmth of God's presence... and that in both I am secure in His hands.

thoughts that have nothing to do with Christmas, it just happens to be Christmas as I'm writing them down...

2008-12-25T23:03:00.000-08:00

How often am I simply avoiding pain? How often do I stand still and adapt to the present pain in order to avoid fresh pain?

At any particular moment in time, when I very well should be involved in the present, I am either living in the past or living in the future. I find that the present offers little compared to my past, or my optimism of the future. This is a somewhat recent development for me. It certainly has never been a habit, not one with any consistency. And I never recall looking forward to this present that I am currently experiencing. And I should also add, with a good amount of confidence, that I don't expect I'll ever have any longings to return to this present. I am not here. You may see me and communicate with me, but I am not really there. I am a shadow, but a shadow with desire for a well-lived life.

I suppose this is one of those "in-between" points of life. I'm looking back and looking ahead, but not really at home in the present. I could vaguely describe what preceded this present, but I can't come up with an adequate title to do justice to the previous stage of life. However, at least I have concrete memories to reflect on. And so I'm left with a question that I can't answer... "What am I looking forward to?"

This transition phase of life... what will it lead to? In between mountain tops, I am living the valley experience, yet without any motivation to start another climb. I need something. I need site of the next peak.

I keep telling myself to simply keep moving. Don't stop, don't stall, keep moving. What is the goal?

"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" (C.S. Lewis - The Great Divorce)

i'm not a real writer

2008-07-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

i miss reading good books. i have amazing books waiting for me on the shelves in my room, but i'm just moving through them so slowly. when i have a demanding schedule, reading is my escape. but work is slow and i get to have too many lazy days, so i end up getting myself out of rhythm. the reading muscle is the same as the writing muscle, and it's pretty weak right now.

once upon a time i had it in my mind that i could, possible should, be a writer. like a real writer. i would have a little cottage somewhere with a back deck that looked out over a lake, and i'd sit at a desk and type on an antique typewriter. i dont know, maybe i would teach and then spend the summers writing books at the lakehouse. then again, seeing as how my last post was in february -- which doesn't completely reflect the amount of time i've spent spelling out words and sentences and paragraphs and complete thoughts, but should certainly tell you something about my ability to complete something worth publishing (although i don't tell people about my blog and therefore have 3 readers, i mean my mother doesn't even know i have one of these things, i still feel the need for my posts to have some level of quality) -- i would say i have a problem with this idea of being an actual writer.

and here's the problem. i've always hit the same wall when i sit down to write. it's not a matter of starting something, but of finishing. i went to a writer's conference a while back and jumped from workshop to workshop, and the one bit of information that i will never need to consult my notes about is the idea that a storyteller must tell his story before diving into anything else. and so every effort to express myself haults because i have no ending to my story. i could make it work in college because college guys are allowed to write music with three chords and vague lyrics. there was no need to conclude, you just go back in for one more chorus.

i digress.

perhaps someday i'll see myself as having moved through some kind of ending and into another phase of life. maybe that wont ever really be clear to me. if it is, maybe i'll have something i can finish. i'd like to have a story worth writing down, not for others, but just to unclog my mind. i get these little hints of ideas that i just can't develop because i always end up back in my own un-ending story.

i'm sick of gray. i don't think the lakehouse and the typewriter are the goals, i think i'm just ready for something more.

2008-02-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

I might be wrong, but the smell of burning leaves on a crispy evening must be the most satisfying aroma ever consumed. I say consumed because when I encounter one of those familiar, pleasing smells, I breathe it in with a perpetual anxiousness that grows into an overwhelming sense of comfort.

I love the little things that bring comfort...

Hot chocolate when you should be sleeping.

Morning stretches in the afternoon.

Really good sweet tea... I figured out my recipe for great sweet tea today. Delicious.

I hope you'll stop and take part in some little comforts when you get a chance. You need it.

Society as the Death of Innocence

2008-01-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

I’ve yet to come to a complete decision regarding the Bible as literal or metaphorical. I believe it includes both, but there are many specific passages that I haven’t made up my mind about. I think the fundamental plot is based in reality. So if you tell me there was a group of people called Israelites who descended from a man named Abraham, I’ll agree. If you tell me Jesus was an actual human who traveled the ancient Middle East teaching about what love is and about the realities of God, that's just fine with me. But then again, if you tell me that a man named John ascended to heaven and got a personal tour of the place, I might play the devil’s advocate and tell you it’s metaphorical. It’s one of those passages that might make more sense if we take it as symbolism. I’m not in the mood to solve the great debate, I’m just looking into some of the lessons we can learn if we view some Bible stories with new eyes.

Society as the Death of Innocence

Genesis 3: 1-7
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?"
The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’"
"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Enlightenment… Industry… The battle of man versus nature… Science… Society… Call it what you want, it’s all about discovery and fighting the battle against ignorance. In this passage, Adam and Eve have a desire to understand more, but of course, we all know their motives don't make their disobedience the right thing to do. God told them not to eat the fruit, and the command alone makes their actions wrong. But imagine for a moment that there was no rule against eating the fruit from this tree. Imagine you have the choice between eating a fruit that tastes good and satisfies your hunger and eating a fruit that does the same, but also provides some new bit of information, like some applicable fortune cookie. If the rule wasn't there, none of us would hesitate to make that same decision. We have a desire to know things... what's wrong with that?

Every child goes through the "Why?" phase at some point. It’s practically a never-ending sequence, but parents have figured out how to trump the question "Why?" Their answer… "Because I said so." Eventually, they start skipping steps and the "Because I said so" shows up after the first "Why?" I remember questioning the reasoning behind so many little things my parents wouldn’t let me do. But just because I had questions doesn’t mean I was missing out. I was looking out for myself and so I wanted to know what was going on, but it all made sense to them because they were looking out for me in a way that went above and beyond all my three-year-old questions.

If Adam and Eve had been in the "Why?" phase, would God have chosen to skip to "Because I said so," or would he have given them a reason? And if he had given a reason, what would it be?

Maybe he would say something like, "Because you’ll have a new understanding of some things, but knowledge is a double-edged sword."

Maybe God was just looking out for his children in a way that was superior to our notions of "what’s best for us." Maybe our pursuit of knowledge isn’t always the perfect product we see it as. Maybe knowing more has consequences that are both positive and negative.

The Age of Enlightenment established reason as the highest of authorities. Throughout this movement, freedom and democracy became important themes that saturated almost every culture around the globe, but this avenue of thought is also characterized by a worldwide faith deficiency and eventually led to societal unbalances like totalitarianism. The industrial revolution changed every aspect of life. The development of new technologies allowed business to drastically improve efficiency and allowed the world to be connected like never before. However, the technology for mass production resulted in a virtual mass production of humanity. No longer could individuals make a living expressing themselves through their chosen trade. On the contrary, they were plugged in to assembly lines where they tightened the same screw for the rest of their lives.

Humanity has an appetite for knowledge, and it takes only a small loss of ignorance for us to start losing our innocence. Ignorance and innocence: the two co-exist like bees and honey. Unless we put it in a jar, you won’t find honey unless there are bees close by, and visa versa.

I don't know what the point of all this is exactly. I don't know if we should just slow down and live simpler lives or make cell phones and sitcoms illegal so that people have nothing else to do but act human again. What I’m not saying is that humanity shouldn’t be working to cure diseases and figuring out ways to help people in need. We should be doing all that, but considering the innocence of Adam and Eve prior to the Fall and the humanity that we experience because of the Fall, I think there’s something to be grasped that I have found in my observations of children. My cousin has two boys. One is three and the other is six months. They are adorable, and since I get to give them back to their parents, I never get sick of them. But it doesn’t take long to see that three-year-olds get into trouble sometimes whereas six-month-olds just need to be loved and held and cared for.

As I think about a possible move, it reminds me of the last time I packed up and moved...

2008-01-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

I’m driving down a two-lane road surrounded by cornfields. The U-Haul is packed to the door. I hate clutter, but it seems I’ve accumulated a lot of things over the last couple years. I’d furnished a small apartment with knickknacks from thrift stores and hand-me-downs, all which had seen better days. But it’s not worth throwing it all out just to start over. So I rented a truck, and my cheap little car is clinging to life on the trailer. I named the car Gus, and we’ve been through a lot, so like the rest of my clutter, I can’t leave him behind. However, I am leaving behind everything else from every category of life: family and friends and memories and geography.

Only a few days ago I was entrenched in normality. Indiana had been my home during all the conscious moments of my life. I finished up with my bachelor’s degree a few months ago, but I guess I needed a few more months to sit around the cheap little rented house with a few other guys. I would work a few days each month to pay off my rent and other miniscule bills, and the rest of the time was reserved for nothing important.

Since I was across the street from the university, I used up a large portion of my time taking advantage of every available facility. I spent a couple hours at the gym every day. I ate at the cafeteria every chance I could get so I could go to the grocery story less often. I would visit friends in dorm rooms, and even, occasionally, meet with some of my former professors. It was a little awkward being on the campus as a graduate, but worth it to get out of the house and have something to occupy my time other than watching a film. The other guys were all taking another semester or two, so by over-indulging in sleep, I would manage to chisel the rest of my time down so I only had enough free time to hang out with them. Everything was easy. I watched Football games at a buddy’s house every week. I would hang out with a girl I liked, but never enough to consider it a relationship. Everything was mediocre, but I only had to do what I wanted to do, and nobody made me to do any more.

So I’m hoping that a change of scenery will shake things up a bit, but I can’t say that there was one single reason why I decided to move to Georgia, it’ definitely a combination of factors. Sure, the job offer prompted the idea and my older brother lives there, and yes, all the songs make it sound so nice. But I think more than anything, a person gets sick of monotony. It’s nice to have a schedule, it’s nice to have comfort, but most people want some excitement in their lives. I guess that need for a thrill was the main reason, maybe a bad one, but the biggest reason among many others why I packed up on a whim and I’m headed south.

So as I drive south on State Road 37, passing through little Mid-western towns, I’m thinking of everything that has just ended. Of course there’s the familiarity of my surroundings. Due to random midnight drives for no other reason than to explore, I know a lot about Marion, Indiana. I’ve explored all the abandoned warehouses inside and out. I know the streets that are better to avoid. I know the little bar on the downtown square and all the people who play there on Thursday nights. There’s the mall with nothing good in it that’s just as fun to wander around as any other mall. There’s the church where I would take people and we’d climb onto the roof. We would keep warm next to the heating duct. There’s the drive to Indianapolis which I’ve made countless times. I can’t get past all the memories, and I think I’m paying more attention to them than the road.

I made the decision so quickly that I had no time to realize its finality. I think about all my friends from four plus years of school, the countless people from my home that had such a fantastic stake in my life, my family. It’s hard to say good bye, but it’s easy when it’s the right thing to do.

Realistic Thoughts on Stuff (including Platonic Relationships)

2008-01-16T18:59:00.001-08:00

I'm a bit down right now. I am capable of feeling sorry for myself every once in awhile. I don't like it, but in the middle of life it seems to happen here and there.

I keep reciting that Chinese proverb over and over in my head...

"Fool me once, shame on you,
Fool me twice, shame on me."

In my head, it continues on to the third and forth and fifth time, perhaps because that's what I'm putting myself through. I suppose that makes me a fool.

I touched a hot plate of leftovers that had just been microwaved the other day, and it only took that one touch for me to learn not to touch it again. So why is it that I keep getting burned over and over in real life situations? It's not the plate's fault. Anyway...

(It's thoughts like these that make me very pleased to know I only have three readers)

You don't have to be a philosopher to know that everyone is living their own life and trying to get what they want. Who doesn't want what they want? That wouldn't even make any sense. I'd say in general, most people want the same things, and yet we all struggle in our own way to obtain our hearts’ desires.

As for me, I want to be held. I understand that, in our culture (or any other culture as far as I know), a man is more inclined to be the "holder" and not the "holdee," but there’s something incalculably reassuring about being held. It doesn't have to be romance, it doesn't have to be physical at all, but when you can lean into another person and just let go of everything else, well, it's nice. There's no condemnation in embrace.

(I'm feeling random tonight)

My little brother can watch a movie and know what will happen way ahead of time. He's figured out that certain types of movies are made by certain types of people, and those certain types of people will almost always introduce future conflict in a certain way. So based on a character's role in the first five minutes, my brother will lean over and tell me that such-and-such is going to happen to so-and-so, and he's always right.

The same predictability goes for me. If you get to know me well enough, you'll be able to know exactly what I'll do in certain situations. Up to this point in life, it's just the same pattern over and over again. Something new becomes old and then monotonous and so I change everything around. I do this with jobs, geography, and relationships. I've changed jobs on a whim, I've moved across the country a couple times, I've gone and adopted completely different groups of friends, and I'll go ahead and tell you to stay tuned in, because I'm only in my mid twenties.

Let me continue with my randomness and enlighten you in regards to platonic relationships... they aren't very common. I've been fortunate to have some actually work... maybe two, but it's more likely that I'm on the wrong side of an unsuccessful platonic relationship. The unsuccessful ones collapse when one of the two develops a new brand of feeling for the other, in which case the delicate balance of friendship is destroyed. In my case, I'm always the one at fault. So hear that and know that I'm afraid of taking big steps in relationships, and then ask me what I think about platonic relationships.

And so I'm feeling a bit down right now...

(I'm in no mood to elaborate)

Patriarch

2007-12-07T06:57:00.000-08:00

My Granddad is the patriarch. A Godfather type aura surrounds him. He’s so dignified, so proper; he’s modern day nobility.

I’m the airport chauffeur. It was his turn this morning. So I woke up early and fought the morning traffic down to the south side of Atlanta.

I haven’t figured out how far off of normal I am yet. I communicate differently than others. I don’t have the standard inner filter that most are born with, so there’s nothing to keep me from talking about the most random things. On the other hand, I think I can make people feel a little awkward because I don’t mind silence. Everybody moves so fast; conversations can’t have silence. I like it a little bit. I like people that I can share that with.

So I’m on the way to the airport with the Godfather.

"How’s that nice young lady your brother was spending time with?"

"Actually," I had to decide very quickly how much of the information I should make known, "they aren’t really seeing each other anymore."

"Was that something she decided or he decided?"

"He did."

The buzz of his electric shaver snapped on once it was clear my answer would be brief, and I listened to it consuming stubble. It snapped off after ten seconds.

"It’s really starting to look like a nice day," he said.

I look as though I’m participating in the conversation but no words come out. Maybe some sound, but no words.

Snap. The buzzing consumes all the faint sounds outside of the car for another ten seconds. Snap.

Artist...

2007-12-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

Artists should not be trusted. If an artist is not deceitful every so often in the cause of his art, then he is a poor artist. No one will listen to what you have to say unless they are convinced you have mastered it. Only one who has mastered a tradition has a right to attempt to add to it or rebel against it. As an artist, you are responsible to no one and to nothing, except to yourself and the truth as you see it… an artist is responsible to his art.

The artist should have a powerful will. He should be powerfully possessed by one idea. He should be intoxicated with the idea of the thing he wants to express. Every great artist is a man who has freed himself from his family, his nation, his race. Every man who has shown the world the way to beauty, to true culture, has been a rebel, a "universal" without patriotism, without home, who has found his people everywhere.

HOLY EXTRAVAGANCE BATMAN

2007-11-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

Last week Senator Charles Grassley, ranking member of the Committee on Finance, decided to take a deeper look into the finances of six media-based ministries. Since non-profit organizations, including the various ministries of Benny Hinn and Joyce Meyers, receive very significant tax breaks, Grassley is simply making sure that these benefits, as he states in his letter to each ministry, "are being used for the tax-exempt purposes of the organizations." The Committee on Finance has a recent interest in uncovering the truth because of many complaints from the public and recent news coverage which portrays a less-than-ideal image of these organizations.

Letters were faxed to the ministries of Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Joyce Meyer, Eddie Long, and Randy and Paula White with intentions of explaining how the leaders of these "non-profit" groups are living the high life with outstanding salaries, choice automobiles, lavish mansions, private jets, and anything else to catch their eyes. Initial responses to the letters all portray a sense of openness, integrity, and extreme adherence to all laws. However, with specific price tags including gifts as hefty as $2 million, "layover trips" made during business travel, a $30,000 conference table, jewelry donations, a $1.4 million real estate transaction, "love offerings" given to visiting ministers (sometimes in the form of convertible Bentleys), a $23,000 "commode with marble top," and credit card charges made for cosmetic surgery and clothing, (Michael F. Haverluck of CBNNews.com) it can be hard to view these individuals with the same integrity and piety that they see in themselves.

The common denominator among these six ministries is that they preach the "prosperity gospel," the promise that God will reward those who give to the church with material wealth. Never mind the fact that this is completely anti-Christian and has no Biblical grounds, people who seek material wealth are buying a winning lottery ticket. "There's little fear of donor backlash when your donors see opulence as a sign of God's blessing," said Ted Olsen, managing editor for news and online journalism at Christianity Today.

Combine God, capitalism, and a charismatic leader and you can rake in the dollars. It’s actually a great business model, and there’s plenty more than six organizations who have put it into practice. MinistryWatch is an online database that profiles over 400 of the United State’s largest church and parachurch ministries in order to help donors be informed and responsible with their giving. According to MinistryWatch.com, there are twenty-seven current organizations that are not being transparent with their finances, a major red flag to donors. Additionally, MinistryWatch is devoting special attention to the Trinity Broadcasting Network, who didn’t get a letter from Senator Grassley yet continually urges their audience to give more and more despite the abundant savings it has stockpiled away in short term and long term investments. Paul and Jan Crouch, founders of TBN, each have salaries well into the six-figure range, and the organization’s program expenses are at 46%. That means less than half of the money they bring in goes into use for actual ministry; compare that to MinistryWatch’s database of organizations whose average program expense is 80%.

"It is looking more apparent that [Randy and Paula White] are the 21st century version of Jim and Tammy Bakker," commented one reader in response to an online article by the Tampa Bay Tribune.

In an online survey by the Saint Louis Post Dispatch, 60% felt that the Joyce Meyer Ministries did not handle their finances properly, with the other 40% being slightly more inclined to answer "I don’t know" than give the organization their approval. If you take time to read long lists of comments and reactions to this situation, you’ll find an astounding majority of people who have been looking forward to the day that someone would/could do something about these "blatant frauds." Even more surprising than the viewpoint of these reactions is the point of view they come from… Christians. Nobody wants to be thrown out with the bath water. The small majority who wish Grassley would mind his own business hide behind Separation of Church and State issues, but according to Senator Grassley, "I'm not interested in doctrine, just the tax laws."

Thoughts on the 3rd Commandment

2007-09-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a sports caster said "boo-yah," and the world has watched the term grow. Years back, an "m" and a "c" were strategically placed in front of others words to associate them with the common fast food restaurant. On any given day, words are used that are not exactly words. It will start on a whim, become a trend, and before too much time, you will find it in the latest version of Webster’s. Look up the newest words added to the dictionary and you’ll find a list. I remember them being slang, and now they’re words in the dictionary. Go ahead, get out your dictionary. You’ll find some. My guess is, these words probably don’t even mean what they were originally intended to mean. Here’s one. An individual named Alan, who was referred to as Ollie by his friends, and who happened to be a skateboarder, developed a new trick in the late 70s. To make a long story short, an ollie is no longer a skateboarder from South Florida, it’s the most basic trick for any modern skater. Our culture shaped the term into something more than it originally was and forever altered what we think of when we hear the word "ollie."

During the first few centuries AD there was a group called "the Way," and they were Christians. In fact, they were the first Christians. The average person could tell there was something different about them, and when they found out that this strange behavior was because of Christ, they were termed Christians, which of course means, "little Christ." But these pioneers accepted this insult as a compliment. The insult was a badge of honor for those who gave all in the pursuit of Christ. And after all, being associated with their Savior was a compliment for them, even if others laughed. So the term "Christian" was coined as "someone who does what Christ did."

Ah, yes… Christian. I am a Christian. Except for some reason, I don’t really care for that title.
After hundreds of years of use, a change has occurred. Gradually, the term morphed. For whatever reasons, "Christian" no longer refers to "someone who does what Christ did." In fact, people who call themselves Christians don’t even try to do what Christ did, at least the ones I know. So what is a modern Christian? Here’s a few guidelines:

1 Go to church. Details don’t really matter here, you just show up.
2 Follow rules. There’s a lot of room to elaborate on this one. They don’t have to be relevant, and you can follow them completely blind, but you have to emphasize them, especially towards other people.
3 Say the right thing. The important thing here is that you say what sounds right, but don’t worry yourself about doing the right things, just sound good.

If that’s what a Christian is in my world, and sadly, that’s most of what I see it as, then I don’t think I want to be a part of it. Our culture has shaped the way we hear the word Christian. I prefer the original definition. But there are a lot less people doing that than there are "Christians." "Christian" has become the new Pharisee. It’s ironic, because "Pharisee" used to mean, according to Webster’s, a member of a Jewish sect of the intertestamental period noted for strict observance of rites and ceremonies of the written law and for insistence on the validity of their own oral traditions concerning the law. Basically, they were intensely pious religious leaders. They were their culture’s pastors. But the term changed over time. The reason Pharisees have such a bad reputation is because, for the most part, they were hypocrites. They made themselves look like they had everything together, but they were just following the rules and saying the right things. They weren’t doing the right things, and they weren’t even following the right rules.

But not us, we’re right. And we want to know we are right so we just keep following rules. We aren’t satisfied with needing and with thinking for ourselves so we get guidelines to follow. It’s because rules are comfortable. If we follow the ten commandments then we win. What about the third one; You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. "Christian" rules tell us that we shouldn’t use God’s name irreverently. We shouldn’t, but how about using that dictionary again.

Vain:
1 an improper or irreverent manner
2 excessively proud of, or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited
3 ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile
4 without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless
5 senseless or foolish
6 proceeding from or showing personal vanity
7 without effect or avail; to no purpose

Christians got the first one covered. The second and sixth both sound like Pharisees. The third, fourth, and seventh are all similar. It means, if we use God’s name, but nothing really changes. We have broken the commandment. And that’s what most modern Christians are doing. They categorize themselves as being among God’s people, yet there is no change. They go to church, yet they sing to an unknown God (like the pagans in Athens). They follow rules passed down from generation to generation, yet they do not seek to follow the heart of God. They say the right thing, but when it comes time for action, they are unheard and unseen. I know it, because I am among these Christians. At one time or another, I think anybody would have to admit the same.

Where are the Christians that will once again "do what Christ did?" There are masses of people who, for centuries, have taken the name of God and used it in vain. Culture has seen and concluded that this (foolishness, futile, worthless, senseless, conceited) vain effort is all that Christ has to offer. There’s no way for me to show the world that "Christian" means something completely different. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to tip the scale, but I’m standing on the scale.

2007-09-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

There is a massive presence, an unspoken…

I’m being attacked. Uncertainty, doubt, stress, isolation… I miss all the comforts which had become the norm. My life feels empty and dark, but on the move. I am sacrificing comfort for growth. I no longer seek the next comfort or positive feeling in a series of "pick-me-ups." So many live in that pattern. I want so badly to break the habit. It is costing me.

"Is your love declared in the darkness,
Your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
Or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?"

I’ve been described as a "jack of all trades, master of none." I’m a bit quieter around my family, but then again, that’s when I spare no wit. I get plenty of opportunities to be the jokester, and I have a lot of fun playing that role. At work, I end up being friends with everybody, but then again, I do take things seriously enough to know when to quit with the fun and games and get things done. I have so many personalities that surface when I’m around different groups of friends. Sometimes I try to be the quiet, serious thinker, other times I just goof off and act like a complete idiot. One friend describes me as a poser, not in the sense that I’m a fake, but that he always catches me in some dramatic stance, like the catwalk is lit and cameras are snapping. I think it’s more of a joke than anything. Another friend always wants me to recite some joke that she’s heard a hundred times, but apparently, "you tell it so perfect."

There are many things in this world that I love; many things which I can give my heart to. I am absorbed in music, art, sport, literature, exploration, history, you name it. Yet I realize that I lack the one great passion of my life. I observe others who have given everything up in the pursuit of their great passion. Yet, like a warrior in times of peace or a performer with no audience, I find no outlet to discover and exhibit the passion of my life. I am not hopeless, just homeless.

I’m like Jonah: the guy in the Bible that runs from what God wants him to do. He eventually realizes that he can’t escape from God’s purpose for his life. Except for me, I haven’t figured out the purpose yet, so I get to unsuccessfully try to escape from monotony.

I’ll go to work and go home. Not that life is boring, not at all, but everything gets too easy sometimes. Unfortunately, I’ve found that I tend to fall into that tedious life that necessitates change. That is, I let myself get stuck in the pattern of life every so often and I have to shake things up.

I think there’s something to be said about people who take initiative. It’s not always the most logical path taken, but when everything in your life becomes normal and vague, dominated by a schedule that doesn’t leave room for spontaneity, something has to be done. It’s those moments of purpose and boldness that I realize where I am and where I am not.

Fatal Flaw

2007-08-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

There's a stale smell about the air I breathe,
Like I've done nothing more than make the best out of what I've been given.
More than "recieving the hand you're dealt," you must play it.
In the past, I haven't been so lucky... or maybe, clever,
Which is why I'm where I am.
To be in a state of discontent, I'm not troubled,
But I'm troubled by something I see in me.
There's a way about me that I can't forgive.
There's something in me that begs for more.
What point is there in lying to a soul?
It is my great void, and my great adventure.
To merely exist, to do no more than react,
Whether other or self inflicted, I have felt this on many occasions,
And in such a condition, my only optimism,
Can be found in the truth behind consistency.
I can ignore singular acts and emotions,
I have learned to ignore so much more,
But with tall stacks of evidence in my past,
I see the void which must be filled in my soul.
My hope, my great attribute... it is my fatal flaw.
Mine isn't one which destroys, but one which drains.
Like all my other longings, I long for the sea...
I crave the smell and mist and motion when a boat is on the water.
I find myself in exploration of the unknown.
To be in motion is fulfillment.
It's a craving for what I lack, or more aptly,
It's a craving for obsession.
Perhaps I find myself not in the sea nor mountain nor escapade,
But perhaps, to be found with true obsession is sufficient.

heaven on earth

2007-08-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

----this is old, but i had a problem having a blog with nothing written yet, so i added a little, but most of it was written a couple years ago----

If you've never seen the Shawshank Redemption, there's something wrong with you. I don't want to be offensive, so make up for it by getting it and watching it immediately. Enjoy it. But finish reading this first. I think I'll put that movie somewhere in my top seven, not exactly sure where, only because all seven are that good, but I think I've said enough to make my point. It's a good movie.

There are so many great things about it. I love the comment at the end concerning what went through the warden's head... I love the quotation about hope... I love retribution... I love how Andy always does the most random things to make life better despite the circumstances... like when he scores some beers for the guys while they're working on the roof or when he locks himself in the library and blasts music over the loud speakers. Everybody in the yard stops what they are doing just to enjoy the music, the escape from their less than desirable environment. It's amazing to watch someone's face when they are set free. It's like heaven has come down to earth for that moment.

We live in a dark world, and forgetting the darkness in our lives only brings us happiness while our memory is lapsing, while we imagine light. But the problem with imagining light is that there is no miracle in imagination. We simply "snap out of it" and return to our dark world. We live in that "shadow of death" and look forward to those moments of imagined light. Like the prisoners at Shawshank, we can escape from the present circumstances while the music is playing, but then we realize we are still prisoners.

We want something lasting, but in our world, all we really look for is the momentary joys of that imagined light. For some people its doing something ridiculously extreme, for some people it has something to do with music, for some its buying something new, others play video games or waste time doing something equally pointless. Everyone has their own brand of "imagined light." And anyone can understand that need to escape, but we have so much more at our fingertips.
I don't know anybody that wouldn't include romance in their list of "things that make me happy." And when it's true love (whatever that is) it doesn't just interrupt the darkness for only a few moments. When we experience love, we are lifted from the darkness. I don't think it has to be limited to romance. I think of seeing a friend of mine hold his newborn. But I find myself satisfied with my imagined light.

I take a good, hard look at my life, at the situations and circumstances I find myself in presently, and specifically, at the darkness I look forward to imagining-myself-out-of... when I take it all in and understand it, only then can I really appreciate the fact that God has made the imagined light a miracle, a reality. All of His love was channeled and concentrated into a single act of bringing light to earth. Think about all the darkness you and I live in, and then imagine Christ dying so that you could live above the darkness. It turns out, salvation isn't the only thing that results from Christ's sacrifice.

Despite the common idea that the only thing worth living for is dying and going to heaven, or maybe not going to hell, there is more to life. The powerful work of Christ on the cross allows us to live above the darkness, not just in our imaginations, but in reality. I'm not suggesting that life is always happy because Jesus came to earth... this isn't Sunday School and I know it doesn't work that way, but there is something bright about living a redeemed life. It's not because I'm specifically blessed, though I am (God sends rain on everybody), it's not because I get anything out of the deal, though somehow grace provides. It's a conscious realization that I need Him, and I have Him. That's the light I live in.

What more is heaven than the communion of God and man.

Think about that part in Shawshank Redemption when that music blasts over the prison yard. Think about the relief and the joy that comes over a person when they are lifted from darkness.

A.W. Tozer said, "When the eyes of the soul looking out meet the eyes of God looking in, heaven has begun right here on earth."