How often am I simply avoiding pain? How often do I stand still and adapt to the present pain in order to avoid fresh pain?
At any particular moment in time, when I very well should be involved in the present, I am either living in the past or living in the future. I find that the present offers little compared to my past, or my optimism of the future. This is a somewhat recent development for me. It certainly has never been a habit, not one with any consistency. And I never recall looking forward to this present that I am currently experiencing. And I should also add, with a good amount of confidence, that I don't expect I'll ever have any longings to return to this present. I am not here. You may see me and communicate with me, but I am not really there. I am a shadow, but a shadow with desire for a well-lived life.
I suppose this is one of those "in-between" points of life. I'm looking back and looking ahead, but not really at home in the present. I could vaguely describe what preceded this present, but I can't come up with an adequate title to do justice to the previous stage of life. However, at least I have concrete memories to reflect on. And so I'm left with a question that I can't answer... "What am I looking forward to?"
This transition phase of life... what will it lead to? In between mountain tops, I am living the valley experience, yet without any motivation to start another climb. I need something. I need site of the next peak.
I keep telling myself to simply keep moving. Don't stop, don't stall, keep moving. What is the goal?
"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" (C.S. Lewis - The Great Divorce)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)